forgiving what we cannot forget.

forgiving does not erase the bitter past. a healed memory is not a deleted memory. instead, forgiving what we cannot forget creates a new way to remember. we change the memory of our past into a hope for the future.

                     -lewis b. smedes.

i thought i was finally learning to forgive you. until tonight when everything i had been working towards just started to fall apart. you did it again. it's kind of funny (in the most un-comical way possible) for so long i thought you never taught me anything, until now.

you taught me how to single handedly destroy a marriage, how to live in constant fear and how to let things become more important than people. you taught me that being 'right' is always more important than showing love and respect to others. you taught me that someone else is always to blame and that you are always the victim. you taught me that money is the answer to all of life's unhappiness. you taught me that nothing i do is ever good enough and how to second-guess every decision. you taught me that tears are a sign of weakness and that anger will get you what you want, not kindness. but, through all of those little life lessons...i learned that you are not to be trusted. you aren't here to be a source of strength or someone to lean on in times of trial.

i wonder sometimes if all men are like you. if he's going to hurt me the way that you have hurt me every single day. silently waiting, for him to mess up and show me that they're all just like you.

so i drive alone in the dark, tears running down my face, praying to God for peace. that i may know that you are the exception. not every one is going to hurt me the way you have. and somehow i know, they won't.

at the end of the day, when the storm has run its course i know that i am stronger now, thanks to you, i'm learning to dance in the midst of the rain.